


Arachnophilia

by aardvark_french



Series: The Emo Maguire Saga [2]
Category: My Chemical Romance, Spider-Man (Movies - Raimi)
Genre: But whatever, Cheating, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Don't Read This, Don't Try This At Home, Emo Peter Parker, F/M, I Don't Even Know, Implied Sexual Content, In-Jokes, M/M, Memes, Polyamory, Sorry Not Sorry, Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge Era, Threesome - M/M/M, What Was I Thinking?, it didn't warrant a sequel, spider-frank, the first book was a joke too, this is a joke, what hell yeah what
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 06:54:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28595799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aardvark_french/pseuds/aardvark_french
Summary: Frank used to be afraid of spiders. Now, he’s turning into one.I don’t know how, but this might be even worse than Arachnophobia.
Relationships: Frank Iero/Gerard Way, Frank Iero/Gerard Way/Tobey Maguire, Frank Iero/Tobey Maguire, Gerard Way/Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom, Gerard Way/Tobey Maguire
Series: The Emo Maguire Saga [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2095386
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	Arachnophilia

Frank was on tour with My Chemical Romance, looking out over the English countryside through the window of a tour bus, when he first began to notice that something was very wrong. 

“Hey Frank, can you get me some coffee?” Mikey asked. 

“Do it yourself,” Frank said, staring out the window and dreaming of his two boyfriends. He wished he could go back in time, just to see the look on his former self’s face when he told him about Gerard Way and Tobey Maguire. Ever since he joined the band, he’d loved Gerard from afar, hoping that someday, their relationship would be more than just songwriting sessions and stage kisses. When he found out that Gerard and Tobey were together, he was heartbroken. He hadn’t liked Tobey at first, if only because he was dating the love of his life, but in the days after Gerard invited him into their hotel room, Frank understood exactly what Gerard saw in him, and he fell for the web-slinger too. 

Three months had passed since that fateful day, and every second of those three months was bliss. Whenever he was with Gerard and Tobey, he felt like he would end his days with them in a hail of bullets. Whenever he was with them, he was okay. He promised. 

“Frank, I already poured the cup, and it’s literally right next to you,” Mikey said. “Can you please just pass it over?” 

“Fine,” Frank said. He reached for Mikey’s coffee cup, but all of a sudden, a spiderweb shot out of his wrist and latched onto the cup. 

“What the actual fuck?!” Frank exclaimed as he frantically tried to detach the web. 

Mikey just stared at Frank’s wrist through his black and white rectangular glasses. “I’m confused,” he said. “I thought Tobey was Spider-Man.” 

“That’s what I thought too!” Frank shouted, looking like he was about to cry. 

“Hey, maybe you can try to do it again,” Mikey suggested. 

“I don’t want to do it again! Spiderwebs are scary!” 

“Just give it a try.” 

Frank took a deep breath and said, “Okay.” He put Mikey’s coffee cup back, and he tried to grab it with his web shooter, but it didn’t work. “Go web!” he shouted. Nothing happened. “Fly!” Still nothing. “Up, up, and away, web! Shazam! Go! Go web…” 

All of a sudden, Tobey walked into the room, but he looked different somehow. He was wearing all black, and he looked like he’d gotten a new haircut, one that could only be described as emo. “What’s going on?” he interrupted. 

“Tobey, do you have any idea why Frank can shoot web now?” Mikey asked. He’d long since adjusted to his older brother dating both Frank and Tobey, and he and Ray were more than happy to let Tobey come along on MCR’s UK tour. He was like another member of the band now. 

“Wait, what? Frank has spider powers?” Tobey said. Frank and Mikey both nodded, and Tobey said, “That’s rad.” 

“But you don’t know why?” Mikey said. 

“No, how would I know?” Tobey said. 

That was when Gerard walked in, looking perfectly normal, which is to say wearing a bright red feather boa and a truly absurd amount of guyliner. “I think I know what’s going on here,” he said. “You know, I’m something of a scientist myself.” 

“No you’re not,” Tobey said. 

“I love you Tobes, but shut up,” Gerard said. “Anyways, yesterday, when we were at that nuclear power plant, and you both looked so beautiful in that radioactive glow, and I was ready to show you how we like to do it in the murder scene…” 

“You had a threesome at a nuclear power plant?!” Mikey shouted. 

Tobey turned beet red, while Frank nodded and Gerard said, “Yes, Mikey, and if you could stop kink-shaming us for just one second, I’ll tell you why Frank and Tobey…” 

It was too late. Mikey screamed and ran out of the room, but he returned a few seconds later, still screaming, with a bucket labeled “Brain Bleach.” 

“What’s going on?” Ray said as he walked into the room. 

“You don’t want to know,” Mikey said with a manic look in his eyes. He dunked his entire head into the bucket, and when he finally lifted it out, he said, “Ahh, that’s much better. Now, what were you saying?” 

“Tobey was bitten by a radioactive Frank Iero, and now he’s acquired his powers,” Gerard explained. 

Ray and Mikey both looked alarmed, but Tobey simply said, “Cool. That explains a lot.” 

“You still haven’t told us why I can shoot web now,” Frank said. 

“It works in reverse too, I guess,” Gerard said. “Tobey has Frank’s powers, and Frank has Tobey’s.” 

“Weird,” Frank and Tobey said simultaneously. 

“Anyways, I’ve got to go,” Gerard said. “I’m having tea with the Queen of England, and I can’t be late.” 

The tour bus came to stop outside of Buckingham Palace, and Gerard immediately hopped off. Everyone else just looked confused. 

“Did he tell you that he was having tea with the Queen?” Frank said. “Because he didn’t tell me.” 

“He didn’t tell me either, but...you know...Gerard’s just kind of a secretive person sometimes,” Tobey said. 

“Yeah, you’re right,” Frank said. “Let’s hope this band never breaks up - he’d probably call it quits with a one paragraph post on our website.” 

Tobey laughed and then wrapped his arms around Frank. “I’m sure everything’s going to be fine, Frank, and even if it isn’t, even if the good guys die and the bad guys win, who cares?” 

“That...that sounds like a song lyric, Tobey,” Frank said. “Since when did you write songs?” 

All of a sudden, Frank and Tobey’s Spider-Senses started tingling. “I have a bad feeling about this,” Frank said. 

Tobey was about to answer, but he heard the sound of chanting protesters and immediately looked out the window. “What’s going on?” he asked. 

“Oh, it’s just the Daily Mail,” Frank said. “They think our band is a suicide cult.” 

Tobey had a look in his eyes that could only be described as chaotic. “Stop the bus!” he shouted. “I’m going to go fight them.” 

“Why?” Frank asked. 

“Because MCR can’t be a suicide cult. It saves lives.” 

“That doesn’t mean you have to...oh what the hell? I’ve always wanted to go beat up those guys, and now I have the powers to do it!” 

Frank and Tobey jumped off of the bus and sprinted into the crowd, and as they ran together, hand in hand, Frank’s heart beat faster and faster. Finally, he and Tobey would make the Daily Mail pay for what they’d done. Frank only wished that Gerard was here to see this. 

Meanwhile, at Buckingham Palace, Gerard was sitting across from the Queen of England, both of them carefully sipping on their tea. “I usually prefer coffee, but this is excellent,” he said. 

“Why thank you,” Elizabeth II, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of her other realms and territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith replied. 

“It’s just such an honor to meet you, Your Majesty,” Gerard said. 

“You don’t have to call me ‘Your Majesty’ all the time,” the Queen said. 

“I don’t?” Gerard said, genuinely confused. 

“Liz is just fine.” 

“Okay...Liz,” Gerard said, the words feeling strange and unfamiliar on his tongue. He sipped on his tea, wondering when he’d get back to the tour bus. He had things to do, people to see, comic books to write, boyfriends to…

“I look forward to seeing your concert,” the Queen said suddenly. 

“I didn’t know you listened to MCR.” 

“I’ve been a fan ever since I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love was released, and I’ve always been impressed by the quality of your music,” the Queen said. “Your singing expresses so much emotion, and you’re an artist too, aren’t you?” 

Gerard smiled. “Not many people know that about me,” he said. 

“Do you know why I invited you here, Gerard?” 

Gerard paused and then said, “No, I don’t think I do.” 

“You’re my favorite member of My Chemical Romance,” the Queen whispered, as if it were some sort of huge secret. 

“Aww, do you really mean that, Liz?” Gerard said, blushing. “Because I think you’re my favorite of the royal family.” 

What was he doing? He had a boyfriend. Two of them, actually. He couldn’t let himself be tempted by a dinosaur, even if she was the Queen of England. 

Then again, Tobey and Frank weren’t here. What they didn’t know couldn’t hurt them. 

On the other end of town, Frank was standing in the middle of the Daily Mail offices, soaked in blood. He was starting to get the hang of his new powers - Tobey had helped him learn the art of wall-crawling and web-slinging, and now, the two of them were using their powers to knock Britain’s trashiest newspaper into next week. 

As Frank webbed a Daily Mail employee and then threw him down onto his head, he grinned, feeling the thrill of the fight for the first time. Meanwhile, when one reporter raised her clipboard in self-defense, Tobey webbed it and tossed it back at her, causing even more blood to splatter onto the floor. 

Soon, there was only one Daily Mail employee left, a terrified young intern hiding in the corner. Tobey stepped closer, and she whispered, “You didn’t even give us a chance to defend ourselves.” 

“What about My Chemical Romance?” Tobey said. “Did you give them a chance?” 

“I didn’t even work on that article!” the intern exclaimed. She sighed and then said, “I should have stopped them, but I’m just a lowly intern. They wouldn’t have listened to me anyways, but even so, we never should have said that MCR was a suicide cult. Will you forgive me?” 

“You want forgiveness?” Tobey said. “Get religion.” 

He looked like he was about to beat up the intern too, but then, just as he was about to take a swing at her, he flipped his glorious emo hair and walked away. 

Tobey’s web flew out the window and latched onto the street below, and as he swooped down onto the street, Frank followed him. When he landed, Tobey snapped his fingers, clapped his hands, and started doing that dance, the same one he’d done at the MCR concert where he and Frank first met.

Frank thought it was cringy then, but now, it was the coolest thing he’d ever seen. 

Tobey reached toward him, and Frank gladly took his hand and danced with him. As his boyfriend spun him around, Frank finally understood the seductive power of Tobey Maguire’s emo dance. 

When they finally finished the dance, only inches apart, Frank closed the distance between them and then said, “This is the best day ever.” 

Tobey was about to respond, but all of a sudden, he spotted an adorable corgi. “That’s such a cute puppy,” he said. “I wish I could take it home with me.” 

“You want it?” Frank said. “You can have it.” 

Tobey webbed the dog, but Frank webbed it at the exact same time. “Psych!” he exclaimed. “That puppy’s mine.” 

“But you already have over 31 trillion of them!” 

“You can never have too many puppies.” 

All of a sudden, Frank’s Spider-Sense started tingling, and from the look on his face, he could tell that Tobey’s was too. 

“It’s Gerard,” they said in perfect unison before they ran back into the tour bus, changed into their Spider-Man suits, and swung high above London, heading straight for Buckingham Palace.

Back at the royal residence, Gerard was enthralled by the Queen’s silver hair, her liver spots, every wrinkle on her aged face. He thought he’d overheard something earlier about her evil plot to steal his life force to somehow make her immortal, but that couldn’t possibly be true. His Queen would never do something like that. 

“You like Doctor Who too?” he said to her as he finished the last of his tea. “No way!”

“It’s one of my all-time favorite shows,” the Queen said with a devious smile. 

“I’d love to write a Doctor Who comic someday,” Gerard said. “Although Doom Patrol would also be cool…” 

“I think that making you mine would be my crowning achievement.” 

Gerard’s eyes widened, unable to believe that the Queen returned his affections. When he finally got over his shock, he said, “Then let’s make that happen.” 

He cupped her face and leaned in closer, and he was about to press his lips to hers when all of a sudden, two spiderwebs flew into the room and latched onto Gerard’s wrists. He screamed and tried to tear off the webs, but they were stuck. There was nothing he could do as the spiderwebs dragged him out of the palace, away from his beloved Queen. 

As the webs dragged him through the street, his head banging against the sidewalk, Gerard slowly began to regret what he’d done. Tobey and Frank meant the world to him, and he’d ruined everything. He’d betrayed the people he loved most. 

He couldn’t help but think he’d die alone. 

That was when he saw them. There were two men in Spider-Man suits, but if it wasn’t for the height difference, he wouldn’t have been able to tell which one was Frank and which one was Tobey. The two of them webbed him to a red telephone booth, and they both stepped closer as Gerard struggled to break free. 

“I’m gonna put some dirt in your eye,” one of them said. His voice was unrecognizable, a strange hybrid of Tobey’s voice and Frank’s. 

“We know what you did, Gee,” the other one said in that same hybrid voice. 

“You cheated on us.” 

“And you’ll pay for it.” 

Gerard screamed, but nobody else seemed to notice or care what was happening. He shouted his bandmates’ names over and over again, hoping that they might be able to help him. “RAY!” he screamed. “MIKEY!” 

Eventually, the sentient ‘fro and the awkward-kneed bassist arrived on the scene, carrying a huge bucket of Brain Bleach. They instantly knew what to do - Mikey grabbed onto one Spider-Man’s head, Ray took the other one, and in one smooth, perfectly-timed motion, they dunked both of the Spider-Men into the bucket. 

“What are you guys doing?” Gerard said. “I know I said I was killing before killing was cool, but I don’t want Frank and Tobey to die!” 

“Relax,” Mikey said. “They’ll be fine.” 

After a few minutes, Mikey and Ray let go, and the two Spider-Men lifted their heads from the bucket, took off their masks, and gasped for air. “What’s going on?” Frank asked, panicked. “Why am I wearing the Spider-Man suit?”

“Why do I have bangs?” Tobey asked, trying and failing to get his emo fringe out of his face. 

“Oh wow,” Gerard said. “That...that worked.” 

“I told you it would,” Mikey said. “They won’t remember the last 24 hours or so, but at least they don’t have each other’s powers any more.” 

“Thank goodness,” Gerard said. “Tobey, I liked you better when you were a prep, and Frank, with great power comes great responsibility, and I’m not sure you know what responsibility is.” 

“Why thank you!” Frank exclaimed. 

“That wasn’t a compliment,” Gerard said. He paused and then asked, “Could someone please untie me?” 

“Of course, Gee,” Tobey said. Tobey quickly untied Gerard from the telephone booth, and he collapsed into his arms. 

It should have been a happy ending, but something didn’t feel quite right. Tobey and Frank deserved to know the truth. They deserved to know what had happened with the Queen of England. He had to come clean, even if it meant that he’d lose them both. 

Gerard backed away from Tobey and said, “There’s something I need to tell you two.” 

“What is it?” Frank asked. 

“When I went to have tea with the Queen, I...I almost kissed her. It was a mistake, and I think it’s something that I’ll regret for the rest of my life, but that doesn’t make it right,” Gerard said. “I was out of line. So show me the door.” 

“Gerard…” Tobey said before bursting into blubbery tears. He sobbed for a few minutes, and then to Gerard’s surprise, he wrapped his arms around him. “I forgive you.” 

“Really?” Gerard said. 

“Yeah,” Tobey said. “Like you said, it was a mistake, and it doesn’t change anything about how I feel about you. No matter what happened between you and the Queen, I don’t want to spend my life with anyone else.” 

Gerard looked in Frank’s direction, who immediately said, “You want forgiveness? Get religion.” Gerard gave Frank a heartbroken look, and he laughed. “I’m just kidding,” Frank said. “I love you like I did yesterday.” 

“Well, I don’t love you like I did yesterday,” Gerard said. He passionately kissed Tobey and then Frank before finishing with, “I love you more.” 

Mikey rolled his eyes and said, “This is cute and all, but we’re late for the concert again.”

“Yeah, soundcheck is in ten minutes,” Ray added. 

The members of My Chemical Romance ran back onto the tour bus, but Tobey froze in place. “Hang on,” he said. “My Spider-Sense is tingling.” 

All of a sudden, another Spider-Man swooped in and landed right next to him. He was like Tobey, but younger and cooler, as if he were the product of two Spider-Man reboots and a Disney monopoly. 

“I’ve come from the future, and I have to warn you about something,” the younger Spider-Man said. “There’s a whole evil plot that Gerard didn’t tell about, and if you don’t act now…” 

“Who even are you?” Tobey asked. 

“Me? I’m Tom Holland, obviously.” 

“And what’s this about an evil plot?” 

Tom Holland, in typical Tom Holland fashion, told him everything, and as soon as Tobey was all caught up, he and Tom webbed away and disappeared into the night.

**Author's Note:**

> Why are you reading this?  
> Anyways, here's another thing I made because I was bored. It's an alignment chart for all of the characters who have appeared in this book.  
> [](https://ibb.co/kDZws6v)  
> Thanks for the support, I guess? Feel free to kudos or drop a comment below!


End file.
